Most of my 27 years have been spent as an 'uncoupled' female. I've gone through crushes (both on celebs and local chaps), I've gone on dates, been on dating websites, and gone through the rigamarole because that's what I've always understood a person is
supposed to do. It's drilled into our brains that the point of life is to get a good job, get a partner, get married and have kids.
It's been over 10 years since I dismissed the idea of having children as part of my life. I figured out during high school that a person is NOT obligated to procreate AND that many people lead active, fulfilled, content, wonderful lives without stepping into a parental role. Luckily for me, I have several like-minded friends who feel the same AND several friends who ARE of the parental mindset who respect my choice. I also have a (co-authored)
blog about the topic; surprise, surprise! The blog you are reading now is the 6th blog to my name:
Scribble Scribe.
So it makes sense that I'd learn of the idea that a life led without coupling is a valid lifestyle with plenty of potential. I've always had a sneaking suspicion I might stay single, but it's within the last year or so that it's become more evident to me that it may just be who I am. Of course, many people do not fully understand that idea, so I intend to explore it and promote it as well as giving individuals in couples the push to explore the single-ness within their relationship. My idol RuPaul explains it well:
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| "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" -RuPaul Charles |
Knowing yourself is THE MOST IMPORTANT part about living your life. It's when we are not self-aware that we end up in situations that don't make us happy. Everyone else can tell you what they think you should do, but YOU need to be the one to live it out and deal with the consequences. Only YOU have the ability to make the choices about your life that will move you along on your path. And you are the one to benefit or suffer as a result. It may sound trite, but if you think about it, this quote is more or less true:
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| "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it." - Unknown |
Life sometimes seems like it's out of our control, but that doesn't stop people from trying. The 'Ten Percent' adage provides a little relief. If you've ever heard advice on 'outlook', you know there are many who encourage having a 'positive outlook'. No one likes a Pollyanna, but Debby Downer isn't a friend-winner either. I like to find the happy medium. I realize that situations might not be perfect, but your mind can be a more pleasant escape than your surroundings. It's up to you to mold your thinking so that positive thoughts are more prevalent than negative thoughts.
To reign in the ideas of "loving yourself" and "responding positively to life" and correlate them to my thoughts on relationship status, I'll pose you this question:
Would you rather be unhappily married or happily single? Think about this question carefully. Most people will say they want to be happy, but they often envision having a partner as part of the 'Happy Life'. But, if you love yourself and you see the good in your life, you know your happiness doesn't spring forth from that concept of a 'significant other'. You know that YOU have significance and YOU are the source of your happiness.
I'm not encouraging you to let your ego go crazy, but most people could benefit from some very simple ideas. Whether you are currently single or coupled, here are some suggestions.
Suggestion One
- Take time to think about your life. In our current world, we have so many gadgets and gizmos to distract us from what surrounds us that we don't often take time to be present in our own minds and bodies. Sometimes it's helpful to just sit and exist with no thoughts to give yourself time to unwind. But other times, it is beneficial to have a conversation with yourself. When was the last time that you asked yourself anything at all?
- How am I feeling? Am I happy?
- What makes me happy? Who's making me happy? What am I doing to make myself happy?
- What's making me unhappy? Who's making me unhappy? What am I doing to make myself unhappy?
- How can I bridge that gap? Do I need to make changes to myself? Or to my surroundings?
BEWARE: Conversations with oneself can be VERY scary territory. It has its benefits, but also its risks.
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| "When you talk to yourself, you always get the answer you want." |
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The above adage is two-sided. It implies that you both are and are not capable of finding the answer you seek. So you may be re-enforcing what you want to hear. But how many times have you done that with others? You ask someone for advice, don't like what they say and disregard it to do what you wanted to do anyway. I know I'm guilty. But sometimes this means we already know the answer and that means we do know ourselves, at least a little.
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| "i worry that you're the only one who understands me, and, as we both know, you're totally nuts." via thebadchemicals.com |
But knowing yourself can be a battle. Or uncomfortable.
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| "Know Thyself." "How boring." |
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Knowing thyself and loving thyself are two very different things. But they are both essential to leading a happy life. If you don't love yourself, you'll never be happy, no matter whether you are single or coupled. So if that is your battle, there are plenty of resources with which to arm yourself: self-help books, friends, therapists, etc. You are your only life companion so you better come to terms with who you are, in all your imperfect glory.
If you are taking off on a journey of self-conversation, here's a helpful article about guiding your thought process so that you are not spiraling down the drain of doom:
When Thoughts Attack: Tips on Taming Your Ego by Richard Moss I've found this article helpful recently when an unpleasant situation kept popping into my head and I was caught in a cycle. It's a great help to snap you back in consciousness if your self-conversation gets you too worked up.
Suggestion Two
- Count your blessings. Whether you are single or coupled, whether you live in the 'first world' or 'third world', you have things in your favor. You have people who care for you. You have the capacity to learn and grow. You have gifts unique to you. But how often are you cognizant of these blessings? How often do you let yourself be downtrodden and defeated by your own thoughts about outward things? You are your best defense against yourself. Once you have had a conversation (or two or three) with yourself and have identified your level of happiness and your intentions to continue or change your level of happiness, you need someone in your corner, reminding you of this intent. And that is you.
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| "Do what you can with what you have where you are." Theodore Roosevelt |
I read a
great book by John Izzo. Near the end of the book, he said that he kept a list of his blessings with him at all times. If he would find his thoughts going to a negative place, he would take out this list and reflect on it. That's precisely what a person needs to do.
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| "Count your blessings - and then be sure to report all of them!" |
You may wonder what "talking to yourself" and "counting your blessings" has to do with your relationship status. But here's the thing: Your relationship status isn't important. Your relationship status is not going to be the factor that decides your happiness or the quality of your life. YOU decide the quality of your life.
So why am I writing a blog about the single life if I believe that relationship status isn't important? Because I am in the minority. Our society is built around coupling and the idea that if you haven't coupled, you are doomed. Obviously this cannot be true so I'm really looking forward to this blog. In future entries, I will be providing book and article reviews as well as giving personal insight into my life and what being Happily Single means for me.
As a response to this entry or any thoughts or comments on this blog, feel free to share your
respectful comments and inquiries below. If you need a jump-off point, here are some questions to get you started. You can use them for your own reflection or share your comments 'for the group'. :)
Questions for Reflection or Response:
- What is my current coupled/single status and how do I feel about it?
- What are my perceptions on being part of a couple?
- What are my perceptions on being single?
