Book Review: "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

Book Review: "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

I just finished a book that was recommended to me and I liked it and recommend it to anyone who is or is not single. The author has thoroughly researched her topic, as best she can and has provided some insightful studies that show that the bias that exists within our society, one based on "singlism" and "matrimania", two words used by the author that I find to be accurate representations of our present state.

So, facts that I enjoyed learning:

• With 76 million single people in America, whether always single, divorced or widowed, single people make up more than 40% of all adults in the country (in 2003). (p7)
• More singles living alone than the number of people that are married with children. (p7)
• More adult years are spent single than married. (p7)
• The focus on the couple, rather than the community, is relatively new, ie 1920's, when automobiles allowed courtship to take place outside of the home (p 23)
• The assumption that sex is the basis of a relationship/marriage is also contemporary (p 22)
• Always single people are as comparatively happy as always married people. Divorced or widowed people have slightly less levels of happiness, but are still pretty happy in the scale of things. Also those are all averages, so people can be on either end of the spectrum from that study. (Ch. 2)

I could go on and on about the findings in the book, but I'd also like to focus on the Myths Surrounding Single-hood. I'll highlight the myths that DePaulo covers in the book, but with my own paraphrasing at times:

1. Marrieds Know Best
2. Single People are only interested in getting Coupled
3. The life of a Single is dark, tragic, lonely, miserable
4. Single people are immature, selfish, and have tons of free time
5. Single Women focus on work, but work can't love them and their eggs are gonna dry up and they're sluts
6. Single Men are horny, slovenly, irresponsible, criminals 
7. Children of Single Parents are doomed
8. Single people are incomplete, have no one and have no life
9. Single People will grow old alone and will die alone and no one will find them for weeks
10. Only people with spouses and/or kids have family values and deserve a bunch of benefits/kickbacks/tax breaks.

Now, I haven't really spoiled the book by providing this list, but I'm sure by reading it, you can see how unfair it is to put all these labels on 76 million people (52 million of whom will always be single). I'm not even going to refute each of these Myths individually because I'm sure you have the capacity to think for yourself about examples that counteract these Myths.

The author wrote something though that I found interesting... in many of the studies done on singles, single people were happily single and thought they might be the only one. This indicates that some of us feel like we have to be quiet about our happiness, not wanting to upset those who don't believe us. I know every time I have expressed my happiness with my single life, people feel they have to assure me I'll find someone and they've completely missed the point of what I've said....I'll write an entry about that later!

DePaulo said that after giving a successful lecture about Singlism, a cab driver asked her what she was in town for and basically told her that because she was happily single, she was so negative. She discovered that one's joy at being single is interpreted as hatred of marriage! And she based this reaction on fear. People fear what they do not know. So in a situation where someone is happy with a life that is unlike another person' life, it's not curiosity and genuine interest that creates a conversation but fear and distaste at a perceived attack.

DePaulo's main contention is that singlism is so pervasive in our culture that unless you are paying attention, you'll never notice it. And that's why it's so hard to document and study. I REALLY recommend this book for anyone, single or coupled, because it allows you to think about how you perceive the idea of single-hood and couple-hood.

Here are some questions for you to answer here in the comments or for your own thoughts:

• Which of those 10 myths about singles are things I have thought about single people before?
• What are some examples I can notice now about large and/or small ways couples are provided preference over singles? (cheaper fares with a two-for-one/discount, Buy One Meal, Get One Free)
• How do I envision the life of someone who remains single for life? Are they happy? Are they lonely?
• How can I rephrase my conversations with or attitude towards single people?
• If I am part of a couple, do I treat single people differently? Why?